Food Server Diaries
by shadowmaat
Summary: Life at Stargate Command as seen through the eyes of a dedicated cafeteria worker.
1. First Course

MENU- mac 'n cheese or salisbury steak First day at new assignment. Still say that general massively overreacted. How was I supposed to know that can of peaches had been in storage since WWII? They LOOKED fine... Anyway, job is off to a mixed start. Aliens attacked the base, killing several people and causing a major loss of appetite; that's bad. Stuck-up woman who wouldn't hold the elevator for me this morning was abducted by the aliens; that's good. Sudden increase in activity levels on the base means I have to pull a double; that's bad. Met the woman of my dreams in the process; that's very VERY good! She showed up in the caf just as my shift was coming to an end. Despite ungodly hour, she smiled at me and said "please" and "thank you" when she asked for a second helping of the mac. Must learn her name...  
  
MENU- sliced turkey or cheeseburgers Samantha Carter. What a beautiful name. She's a captain AND a scientist, very brainy but totally down-to-earth. Base is full of people now and everyone is very cranky about the aliens, so naturally they take it out on me! Except Samantha. She always smiles at me and she never complains about the food. Today she asked how I was doing! Tried to talk to her, but the next guy in line was being an ass. Samantha called him Jonas. He seemed overly familiar with her. Went on about Mongol hordes and a sexy blue dress. Samantha was not appreciating it at all, so I managed to "accidentally" spill some gravy on him. He went ballistic, but Samantha just smiled at me (again!) and went to sit with her teammates. Colonel O'Neill is OK, and the alien warrior guy has an impressive appetite- do these 'false gods' starve their workers?? I don't like Dr. Jackson at all. He's always either preoccupied or pissy and he yelled at me the other day for not using one of the recipes he brought back from Aberdeen. What the hell is a 'mastadge' anyway? Sounds rude.  
  
MENU- meatloaf or turkey pot pie Tried one of Dr. Jackson's recipes just to get him to leave me alone. Still unable to get rid of the stink, and people keep making snide comments about me smelling like a yak. And then he tells me I 'made it wrong'. Oh well. Samantha thinks what I'm doing is "sweet", so I may keep trying. Meanwhile my one-man war against Jonas has had some unexpectedly good results. Have been sabotaging his meals since I heard he used to abuse Samantha. Today, two SFs were in talking about a power-mad captain who had set himself up as a god on some planet. SG-1 was sent in to deal with him and he died. They didn't name names, but I recognized Jonas from their description. Score one for me!  
  
MENU- fillet of fish or chicken teriyaki Dr. Jackson finally dead. Not confident that attempt to give him salmonella was responsible. Samantha is traumatized. Whole team is in shock. Much worse than time Colonel O'Neill caught aging disease after having sex with alien woman. Think everyone is overreacting, but am doing my best to make Samantha feel better. So far, all efforts are backfiring. Candle-light dinner taken to her lab made her scream. Oops.  
  
MENU- pizza or Swedish meatballs Everyone claiming to have no memory of time under Hathor's spell. They lie. I have some very clear memories of it, I just WISH I could forget. Hathor very taken with Dr. Jackson. Goa'uld obviously not good judge of character. Did not have sex with Hathor myself but was forced to guard her while she got "code of life" from Dr. Jackass. Multiple times. Am scarred for life. Thank God Samantha saved the day. Just wish she could have saved it sooner. Will never speak of this again. Too horrific for words.  
  
MENU- beef stroganoff or turkey stew... or stir-fry tofu Alien refugees being annoying. All they do is complain. Had to make special trip to buy tofu for them as they find our food too 'gamey'. One of the aliens has been poking around asking questions about Samantha. Made sure he got the smallest serving. Coffee seems to be a hit, though. Might be hope for them yet. Samantha dropped by to show me her cat. Spent rest of afternoon putting up with lewd jokes from co-workers, but was worth it as petting the cat gave me a chance to get very close to Samantha. Impressed her by suggesting she name it 'Schroedinger'. That 'Cartoon Guide to Physics' is coming in handy. Then she went gave the cat to the nosey alien. Bad sign. Added lots of pepper to his food, but he didn't seem to notice. Stupid alien.  
  
MENU- chef's special Samantha and Colonel O'Neill have disappeared. No one seems to know what happened. Find it very convenient that it's just the two of them. Hope it's just a coincidence. Am sure Samantha will return safely- with or without the Colonel. Tried to cheer myself by bringing in some jaffa cakes and telling Teal'c they were made from Jaffa. Learned important lesson: Jaffa do not have a sense of humor. Dr. Fraiser says the cast should be off soon. Meanwhile, Dr. Jackson left one of his coffee mugs on the pipes outside the gateroom. Mug fell off and shattered as Sergeant Siler was walking past it, making him drop a box full of heavy machine parts on his foot. Cook yelled at me. Not sure why it's my fault, but have now been ordered to pick up after Dr. Jackson. Very degrading. I hope Samantha doesn't hear about this.  
  
MENU- cheeseburgers or fried chicken Dr. Jackass back after brief- too brief- disappearance. Will not shut up about crazy alternate universe theory even though it is clear no one believes him. Not surprised. Trying to find way to shut him up permanently, but don't want to draw too much attention. Beginning to think it's worth the risk, especially after... Nevermind. Not going to think about that. Have been warned to expect special visitors and to plan special menu. Still have some leftover tofu and Cook is not here to stop me.  
  
MENU- fish sticks or tofu scramble Base is being shut down. Not voting for Kinsey in the next election. Have been reassigned to base in Abu Dhabi. Suspect Dr. Jackass had something to do with that, but can't find out for sure as he bailed through the stargate with the rest of SG-1. Always knew he was crazy, but didn't think his teammates would be stupid enough to buy his story about alternate universes. Especially not Samantha. If anything happens to her I will hunt him down and kill him. Found three of his coffee mugs balanced on the overhead pipes. He's doing it on purpose. Bastard.  
  
MENU- Mexican (soft-shell tacos, chicken quesadillas, and refried beans)  
My life is over. Samantha has been taken over by a Goa'uld. Kept trying to think of rational explanation even after incident in the gateroom, but when I went down to the brig to take her dinner, her eyes glowed and she spoke to me in that weird hollow snake-voice. Was actually a bit of a turn-on. Too bad guards were around or I would have let her out like she asked. Pete says Goa'uld have a massive sex drive, and if Hathor is anything to judge by... but no, I swore never to speak of that again. Very upset about Samantha. And the guards. Hope rumor that symbiote is a "good guy" proves true. Found plate wedged behind one of the emergency klaxons outside the cells. Petulant little shit. And after I made him those rancid cookies, too.  
  
MENU- pork chops or beef with broccoli Everyone getting sick from "orb" Dr. Jackass insisted on bringing back to the base. UV lights everywhere. Spreading blue glow is unsettling and won't wash off. Will probably be blamed for it getting all over the food. Good news is Lieutenant Simmons is among the sickest. His crush on Samantha will lead nowhere, but am not taking chances. Bribed nurse to change Simmons' medical record to indicate an allergy to tetracycline. Samantha completely unaware of situation as she is spending far too much time obsessing over Colonel O'Neill's condition. Pie not working as a distraction.  
  
MENU- steak or fettuccini alfredo Baked cake to celebrate Samantha getting fancy medal. Made her cry. Spiralled into depression thinking it was my fault, but heard from Pete who heard from Walter who overheard Colonel O'Neill say that Samantha's father was dying. Glad tears weren't my fault, but trying to think of a way to comfort her in her time of need. Maybe it's time to break out that whiskey...  
  
MENU- chili or beef stew Samantha single-handedly helped Earth forge an alliance with the Tok'ra, who apparently ARE the "good guy" Goa'uld her symbiote kept saying they were. Or at least it said it until it died saving Samantha. Gotta love that. All Samantha had to do to cinch deal was offer up her father as a host. It's amazing the lengths she'll go to in order to protect the ones she loves. I wonder what she would do if something happened to me? She DID kiss me that night, even if she doesn't seem to remember it. Doesn't matter. Even Dr. Jackass and his stupid obsession with those Asbestos cookies couldn't ruin my mood after that. And he tried. Am a little worried about this Martoof person. I don't like the way Samantha smiles when she talks about him.  
  
MENU- ravioli or chicken fried steak Dr. Jackass was very friendly and polite yesterday. I don't trust it. He's up to something.Teal'c and Colonel O'Neill are also acting strange. Teal'c suddenly cheery and outgoing and insisting I call him Colonel O'Neill. Colonel O'Neill only raised an eyebrow at me and told me his name was Teal'c. Briefly considered possibility that there might be something more going on there, but decided I really didn't need to know. Unless it means I can stop worrying about "Teal'c" and Samantha. Whatever works to keep her safe from the unworthy is fine by me.  
  
MENU- chicken pot pie or beef teriyaki SG-1 has been captured by Hathor. Trying desperately not to think about it. Still have nightmares about the time she took over the base. General Hammond is planning to send in four whole teams to rescue SG-1. Nice to know Samantha will have some backup, not that she needs it. Major Davis is visiting from the Pentagon. Another finicky eater. Man has no faith in Samantha or SG-1 and thinks Hammond shouldn't waste his time on them. Added alum to his chicken pot pie; a bitter man deserves bitter food.  
  
MENU- lemon chicken or meatloaf After Medal Incident, didn't bake cake to celebrate Samantha's promotion. Made cookies instead (NOT from Abacus). Effort wasted as base invaded by snooty system lords. Think Tollans were better. They had boring in common. False gods very picky eaters, Got help from Dr. Rothman with list of "acceptable" foods. Dr. Rothman worse than Jackass and can't translate. Food looked terrible. Nearti screamed and threw her plate at the wall. Don't know what she said, but don't think it was a compliment. Went back later to clean up mess. Nearti not in her room. Disappointed as she looks impressive when angry. Not as beautiful as Samantha, of course, but not bad for an alien menace.  
  
MENU- hot dogs or stuffed chicken breast I was right about Dr. Jackass. He's finally been committed! I hope no one looks too closely at his bloodwork. Not that they could trace anything back to me, anyway. Will try to stop by the infirmary and warn Lieutenant Rush, just in case. She's been a big help. Colonel O'Neill VERY unhappy about Jackass' condition. More proof that Samantha is safe from him, or does it mean NO ONE is safe? She touched my hand today. Do not think it was an accident.  
  
MENU- Hungarian goulash or spaghetti & meatballs Saw Samantha today. Two of her. Thought I'd finally lost it. MY Samantha said that twin is from alternate universe. Didn't understand their explanation. Not really listening. Two Samanthas. She looks VERY VERY good with long hair, and whatever universe she's from, she still knows me. She called me Luke! Hope she decides to stick around. Alternate universes thing not such a bad idea after all. You can never have too many Samanthas, as far as I'm concerned. Day slightly marred by discovery of cache of dirty dishes in one of the supply closets.  
  
MENU- Philly cheese steak sub or shepherd's pie Knew that Martoof person couldn't be trusted! He came to tell Samantha that her father had been captured by some Goa'uld. Naturally, she wanted to go rescue him, and naturally Martoof got them caught. Attempts to poison Martoof's symbiote with curry powder failed. Must try harder next time. If there's a next time. There better be one. I've heard this Soaker guy is into torture. My poor Samantha. Martoof is a dead man.  
  
MENU- mac 'n cheese or beef kebabs Woke up to find self hanging from ceiling wrapped in weird alien webbing. Samantha helped me down and helped remove the webbing. Disappointed that she stopped there, but lots of witnesses may have been making her shy. She did tell me that I'm one of the ones preserved on a mimic device, and she smiled and patted her breast pocket when she said it. Sign is encouraging, but wish she would pursue me and not some dream of me on a chip. All she has to do is ask.  
  
MENU- Chinese (chop suey, egg rolls, sweet & sour chicken)  
Samantha is in a strange mood today. She's been in four times so far and each time is loading up on dessert. Sue's getting nervous about running out of pie and jello. Rest of SG-1 on dessert binge, too. Beginning to wonder if I left one of my secret ingredients out last night. Had been hoping that Samantha was trying to find excuses to come and see me, especially since she called me cutie! But then the Colonel, Teal'c, and Dr. Jackass ALSO called me "cutie", which was was disturbing. Pete thinks they've had their brains sucked out and replaced by sugar-addicted brain-sucking amoebas. Think that Pete has been experimenting with medicinal herbs again. Shouldn't let him hang around Lieutenant Rush. She's a good source, but dangerous, especially around unwary guys. Maybe I can get her hooked on Dr. Jackass...  
  
MENU- pork chops or fried chicken Colonel O'Neill quit. Everyone shocked. Had not expected this at all, despite hints he had dropped about alien woman he shacked up with while trapped offworld. Hints were upsetting Samantha, so he stopped talking about her, but he still made occasional comments to me when Samantha was not around. Apparently my cooking isn't as good as Lira's. What else is new? Samantha not handling the Colonel's departure very well. Plied her with whiskey again. Worked at first, but she slapped me when I tried to kiss her. She also called me "Jack" so maybe situation isn't completely hopeless.  
  
MENU- sliced turkey or steak YES! Dr. Jackass is officially missing! I hope he stays lost for good. No more of those damned rat-turd cookies or those godawful "regional" dishes he insists on having. Every time I make that stuff people call me "Yak Boy". As if my job wasn't bad enough. Thank goodness for Samantha. All is obviously forgiven. She seemed preoccupied at dinner, but still smiled and asked how I was doing. Good to know she isn't fixated on her worthless teammate. Was telling Lieutenant Rush how relieved I was about Dr. Jackass' disappearance when I had the uneasy feeling I was being watched. Think I may be spending too much time around Pete.  
  
MENU- fillet of fish or stuffed chicken breast General Hammond very angry. Colonel O'Neill stole stargate and crashed Thor's ship into the Atlantic. Lost ship, lost gate, and has conveniently disappeared with Teal'c and Samantha. Would suspect it was all a massive plot to get Samantha alone if not for Teal'c. Then again, there was that one time... No. Samantha would never go for that. Hammond is spending hours on the phone trying to explain things without explaining anything. Not going well. Keep sending up sandwiches as he has no time to come down to the cafeteria. Second gate ordered out of storage. Everyone working around the clock to get it set up. Lots of cranky people and no one is eating well. Once again everything is somehow my fault. Attempt to kill Dr. Jackass failed; burst appendix not fatal. Damn.  
  
MENU- Thai (pad Thai, cheese curry, ginger beef)  
Samantha was showing off the pretty new arm band she got from the Tok'ra. She was very hyper, talked a lot as she nearly cleared out the tureen of ginger beef. She touched my arm twice, and the second time she had to reach across the counter to do it! Then she asked for MY recommendation on dessert since she said she knew I was the "go-to" man when it came to sweets. She noticed! I gave her a couple slices of pie fresh from the oven and a glass of jello with whipped cream. She winked and promised me she'd be back for more. Don't know what's in that armband, but I like it! Shift ended an hour ago and still no sign of Samantha, but I'm sure she'll be back soon for a very different kind of dessert.  
  
MENU- chef's special Score two for me! Finally got Martoof, although wish it could have ended differently. Gave him cheese curry while he was waiting for Samantha to finish being interrogated. Stupid Tok'ra. As if Samantha would allow herself to be brainwashed! Had hoped to make him sick, but as it turns out HE was the spy! So much for the high and mighty Tok'ra "resistance". Thanks to my curry, his little mental blocks crumbled like sand. Unfortunately, he tried to kill the President. That's bad. Samantha was forced to shoot him; that's worse. Even blue jello couldn't console her this time, and I didn't dare bring out the whiskey again. Will find a way to make her happy again if it kills me.  
  
MENU- hotdogs or tuna noodle casserole Long day yesterday. Samantha said that we were caught in a time loop and relived the same day for several months. Wish I'd known. Could have taken advantage of opportunity. Colonel O'Neill yelled at me at breakfast. What the hell is his problem? You'd think I'd poisoned his Froot Loops the way he was acting. Hope he doesn't suspect anything. He's an OK guy, but between the yelling and those awful rumors I heard about the interrogation... I need to keep his attention diverted from Samantha. The way he looks at her sometimes... Very unsettling. Lieutenant Rush wants no part of him, but I think she may have set her sites on Dr. Jackass. Maybe she can get him to stop hiding dishes on me. Found a bowl full of congealed soup on top of one of the red emergency flashers. Very cute.  
  
MENU- Italian (chicken cacciatore, lasagne, garlic bread)  
Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c are heading off into deep space and no one can figure out a way to retrieve them. Good news. Though I kinda liked Teal'c. Never complained about the food. Never complimented, either, but that's OK. Samantha seems upset. Tried consoling her with a new jello recipe. Got idea from Dr. Jackass of all people. His "experiences" with the Unos were inspiring. The color doesn't quite match the pretty blue of her eyes, but it's close, and every time I see it, I think of her. Seemed to cheer Samantha a little. Just hope she doesn't find out about the secret ingredient.  
  
MENU- mac 'n cheese or fish sticks Very bad day. Some kind of alien computer virus tried to take over the base. Played hell with the ovens, made lunchtime difficult. When virus failed to take over the base, it took over Samantha instead. Don't know how that's possible, but I don't like it. Fortunately, she managed to recover from the attack, and was very grateful to me for bringing her dinner... and an extra helping of blue jello. Tripped over plate placed strategically in the larder. Laced Dr. Jackass' coffee with ipecac in retaliation. See how he likes THAT.  
  
MENU- grilled pork or beef & broccoli SG-1 is missing again. Lots of people convinced they're really gone this time. Something about a supernova. Please. As if Samantha would let something as silly as an exploding star stop her. She'll bring the team home safe. She always does. Can't believe after all these years people still haven't figured that out. May not be the best & brightest after all. General Hammond is confident. More people should learn from his example. Like Lieutenant Rush. She's convinced I set up this whole thing just to get rid of Dr. Jackass before she was "finished with him". Told her he was not worth that much effort. Think I will avoid the infirmary for a while.  
  
MENU- pizza or American chop suey Got in trouble today for punching Pete. He deserved worse. He said Samantha was crazy! Just because she's imagining things and has been taken off active duty doesn't mean she's nuts! Did some investigating on my own. Shocked to see man apparently living at her place. Drove by twice to be sure. Decided situation called for immediate action. Ordered a large anchovy and feta cheese pizza (Samantha hates those toppings), then crushed half a bottle of sleeping pills on top of it and delivered it to her house while she was out. If it doesn't kill him, it should at least keep him too doped to try anything on her.  
  
MENU- beef stroganoff or vegetable soup with rice Plan to get rid of Nareem worked much better than I could have imagined. Samantha said it was "touching" of me to remember how much Nareem liked coffee. I gave her two pounds to give to him. Just hope she doesn't try any, herself as I stole it from Dr. Jackass' "special" Abilene stash. Extremely addictive, according to Lieutenant Rush. She said Dr. Fraiser has exchanged words with him more than once about it, but he refuses to stop drinking it. Coffee may not have been necessary as a Goa'uld attack decimated the planet, but I happened to be walking past the control room when they played Nareem's final message. THEY may not have understood his last words, but I did: "Must save coffee." Total count is now four. Go me!  
  
MENU- chef's special Played harmless joke on the ambassador guy Samantha introduced me to at lunch. Joe somebody. His eyes were on Samantha the whole time, and he was smiling. Creep. Had to settle for over-salting his food the first time, as I didn't have any other supplies handy. But when they came back a second time... and when I saw the way Samantha was looking at him... I was ready, and Mr. Ambassador got a healthy dose of laxative in his stew. Figured it would make for some embarrassing problems during negotiations, but then the Ashen were nice enough to try and take Samantha and Joe hostage. If only Joe could have moved a little faster, maybe he could have escaped. Too bad. Score five! It can't be long now before Samantha realizes that I'm the ONLY one who has ALWAYS been there for her... the only one who will EVER be there for her.  
  
MENU- lemon chicken or Hungarian goulash Have just found my next target. Think Samantha would agree with me on this one as she seems to hate him even more than I do. Bastard insults her TO HER FACE while I'm standing right there! And then he asks me if there's lemon on the lemon chicken! Can't he read? Said he was mortally allergic to citrus and took the Hungarian goulash instead. Did not tell him I use the same spoon for both entrees. If he's serious about "one drop" killing him, this could be over very quickly. Samantha gave me a sympathetic look then came back later to apologize for the jerk. Told her it wasn't her fault and she smiled and patted my hand. Is it any wonder why I love her? Must make sure that Lemon Chicken dies a particularly painful death. NOBODY talks down to My Samantha like that! Am ordering citrusy products in case he ever returns.  
  
MENU- shepherd's pie or fillet of fish Dr. Jackass has charmed another victim. A ROBOT girl, this time. How the hell does he do it? Beginning to think he has better drugs than I do. Wonder if I can find his supplier. Girl can control Replicators. Have now seen one up close. Do not know what the big deal is. They look like lego spiders. Everyone very nervous about them and about the girl. As long as Dr. Jackass can stop being himself for five minutes and treat the girl with respect... Yeah, right. Good thing Samantha is here. She'll save us when Jackass screws up.  
  
MENU- fettuccini alfredo or stuffed chicken breast Jackass is finally gone. Death by radiation poisoning. Utterly ironic. Lieutenant Rush has been helping me season his food with radioactive isotopes for over a year. Apparently it's supposed to enhance... something. I wouldn't let her explain. I don't want to know. At least no one can trace anything back to us. Not sure about this "Ascending" deal. As long as it means no more dead yak stinks and hidden dishware, I'm happy. Plus, we've been rewarded. New guy named Jonas Quinn. From whatever planet Jackass saved. Seemed very nice when he came in for dinner the other night. Under guard. Introduced himself, took some of everything, smiled the whole time. And then, when he was finished, he came back to compliment me! I'm liking him already.  
  
MENU- chicken fried steak or chili Dammit! First time in six years I take a vacation and that's when Lemon Chicken returns. Big fuss over gate maybe blowing up, but My Samantha saved the day again. With help from new alien Jonas. Nothing like Captain Hanson, and better than Jackass. Not one request for smelly recipes; he eats what I give him. And thanks me. Pete says he saw Samantha kiss Lemon Chicken, but know he is wrong. Samantha would die first. May add lemon to everything just in case the guy comes back. Again!  
  
MENU- mandarin chicken or orange-glazed beef kebabs Colonel O'Neill still busy offworld being a Tok'ra. Hope the symbiote stays in permanently and makes him chase after someone who isn't Samantha. A bit worried. Samantha is leading the rest of SG-1 to Steveston to investigate something. Have contacted my supplier to warn him to hide the stash of my secret ingredient but have uneasy feeling that supplier has other plans. At least Jonas will be able to do some sightseeing, and I saw Samantha before she left. Wow. Wish she'd dress like that more often.  
  
MENU- tuna noodle casserole with lemon wedges or salisbury steak Feel sorry for Jonas. Not allowed to go help Samantha save alien refugees. Gave him extra portion of dessert. No idea where he puts it all. Would swear he eats more than Teal'c and Teal'c is twice his size. Wondered if it was an alien thing. Asked Lieutenant Rush. Big mistake. She's paying very close attention to Jonas, now. Something about tight t-shirts. I don't want to know. Tried to give Jonas one of Dr. Jackass' cookies. He wouldn't touch it. Knew he was smart.  
  
MENU- pasta primavera or citrus surprise Rebels hijacked new spaceship; bad news. Samantha onboard at time; worse news. She will save the day as always, but still worried. Space is very big, which makes it easy to get lost. Walked into larder to find half the supplies missing, replaced with angry rebels. Know I will be blamed. Emergency supply of Ben & Jerry's for Samantha among the missing. Leftover Abalone cookies NOT missing. Sneaky alien bastards.  
  
MENU- American chop suey or beef with lemongrass Imaginary bugs making everyone jumpy. Think imaginary squirrels would be worse. Wish jumpy people would stay out of cafeteria. Lieutenant Rush screamed and dropped tray during middle of lunch. Had to clean up mess, complicated by giant blue centipede running across the floor. Jonas working very closely with Samantha on the problem. Hope there is no cause for concern. Would hate for something to happen to him. Jonas is almost as good as Samantha. In a manly way. Lieutenant Rush definitely pursuing him. Wonder if I should interfere.  
  
MENU- chef's special Colonel O'Neill accused of murdering Senator Kinsey. I say good riddance to both of them. Unfortunately, everyone else disagrees. Samantha thinks someone framed the Colonel by using one of the mimic devices. Upset to think that his chip may have been in her breast pocket next to mine. Sad to realize that she did not keep my chip for herself. Doesn't mean she doesn't want me, just means she won't settle for substitutes. Good news!  
  
MENU- pot roast or chicken nuggets Samantha yelled at me. Suspect stress is getting to her. Trying not to think about reason for stress. If Colonel O'Neill stays missing, do not think I can add him to my list. Rats! Should have spiked his food when I had the chance. Oh well. Hope new supply of secret ingredient is found soon. Blue Jello Surprise not the same without it. Jonas spending a lot of time in Research Department trying to help Samantha save Colonel O'Neill. Have sent food down there several times. Dishes always stacked by the door with thank you note.  
  
MENU- pork chops with lemon marinade or beef stew Jonas is very sick. He's having visions. Hope there's no connection to Blue Jello Surprise. Last batch extra strong due to major new source of secret ingredient. Lieutenant Rush has competition. Think she may have met her match. Time Jonas spent in Research not entirely devoted to rescue efforts. This could get interesting. Samantha injured in accident, but is more concerned about Jonas. Typical. Took her steak and mashed potatoes even though steak is not on the menu today. She was most appreciative. Jonas hasn't gone near his food. That's a first.  
  
MENU- hot dogs or cheeseburgers Source of rotten yak food destroyed. Celebrated by sharing Samantha's supply of Ben & Jerry's with everyone. Source has not been safe since Asguard stole last supply, anyway. Suspect O'Neill of starting rumor. Too happy to care. Jackass likely gone for good this time. Pissed off the wrong people and snubbed Samantha. Higher plane obviously didn't improve his attitude. Beginning to wonder if there are side effects to Blue Jello Surprise, but as long as it makes Samantha happy to see me...  
  
MENU- lemon chicken or mandarin beef NNNNOOOOOO!!!!! CAN'T THAT BASTARD STAY DEAD??!! 


	2. Second Course

MENU- lemon chicken or Mandarin beef  
NNNNOOOOOO!!!!! CAN'T THAT BASTARD STAY DEAD??!! Dr. Jackson returned from dead. Don't believe it! Even Ascended people can't stand him. Could have warned them. Good news is, he has amnesia. Convinced him he used to help me clean up. Bad news is, Jonas now depressed and feeling useless. Attempts to cheer him up with food haven't worked. Attempts by other people to convince him he's needed aren't working, either. Met mystery girl from Research Department. Meg. Is on warpath. Blames Dr. Jackson for Jonas's depression. Am encouraging her, just in case.  
  
MENU- Hungarian goulash or stuffed chicken breast  
Obnoxious little punk running around base claims to be Colonel O'Neill. Attitude is right. Same reaction to Froot Loops, too. Have to check, but sure that additions to Colonel's food not responsible for this. Pete thinks kid is a clone. Stupid Pete. Found plate wedged behind radiator. Think Dr. Jackson is beginning to remember. Or "clone" is getting revenge for short joke.  
  
MENU- meatloaf or fish sticks with lemon wedges  
Jackass definitely back. Damn. Almost impaled self on fork wedged in cabinet door. Something must be done. Might find Meg, Jonas's "assistant". She's still pissed about Jonas leaving. Thinks it's a conspiracy. Beginning to believe her. Teal'c now depressed and feeling useless, too. What is Jackass doing to people? Added crushed Goa'uld to his food. Still have plenty left for Blue Jello Surprise and effect on Jackass is fun to watch. Causing hallucinations. Good.  
  
MENU- pizza or sliced turkey & gravy  
Dr. Jackass has gone crazy. Again. Will people never learn? Not sure if dietary supplement is responsible. Multiple personality disorder actually kinda interesting. Some personalities vast improvement over Jackass himself. Dr. Fraiser should save one of them instead. Nice lady, but too dedicated. Feel sorry for her, having to put up with patients like Jackass. Especially when he's gone crazy. Again. How do you tell? He's nuts even when he's supposed to be sane. Had to see Dr. Fraiser myself after stack of coffee mugs fell on me when entering larder. Bastard still finds time to ruin my life even when he's busy being other people. Wish Lieutenant Rush hadn't gotten caught. Could use her help medicating Jackass into coma. Meg still very resourceful. Is researching Jackass to find more effective procedures.  
  
MENU- ravioli or beef stroganoff  
Got in trouble with Cook today. Dropped whole platter of stroganoff on floor. Was worth it. My Samantha walked by. Dressed in leather. Black leather. Wow. Always knew she looked good, but wow. Why do people waste their time worshiping false gods when they could worship her? She stopped to check on me. Stood very close. Touched my arm twice. Wow. Found out she'd been called in for assignment. Entering a spaceship race. She's going to win. Stupid aliens don't stand a chance against a goddess like her.  
  
MENU- chef's special  
Bad news: gate network crashed and lots of people stranded offworld. Good news: one of them is Dr. Jackass. Better news: planet he's on is being torn apart by bad weather. Hope he doesn't notice copper wiring Meg wove into his hat. Clever girl. I can see why Jonas likes her. Samantha forced to work with Dr. Felger to solve problem. Dr. Felger very accident prone. Had to replace two stoves and kitchen sink last month after he tried to make brownies. Know Samantha will save the day, but she'd do it faster without him. Then again, maybe he'll keep her from being in time to save Dr. Jackass. Go Jay!  
  
MENU- Mexican (chili, chimichangas, chicken quesadillas)  
Dr. Jackass taken hostage by guerillas. Yes! Colonel O'Neill sent after him. Hope he's too late. Samantha went to fight new alien stormtroopers. Stopped in to grab snack first and stayed to talk. Seemed worried about Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Jackass. Told her they were fine. Didn't mention certain phone call. Raphael muy contento. Also told her I knew she'd mop the floor with silly aliens. She smiled! Then she took my hand and thanked me. Said she knew she could always count on me for support. Things definitely looking up.  
  
MENU- Salisbury steak or fillet of fish  
Samantha in infirmary with bad concussion. Everyone very worried. She hasn't woken up since she was brought in. Am visiting as often as I can. Am also giving her un-gelled Blue Jello Surprise when no one is looking. Don't know if it's helping, but have heard her say my name a few times. She smiles when she says it! Must be good sign. Colonel O'Neill is planning party for when she wakes up. Would like him more if not for looks he gives My Samantha. Am in charge of cake and am making her favorite. Always know what she likes.  
  
MENU- steak or lemon chicken  
Jonas is back. Only temporary. Gave him extra portions of everything when he came in. He smiled, said he misses Earth cuisine. Suspect food isn't only thing he misses as he disappeared for a while. So did Meg. Overheard that his planet is going to blow up. Seems like good reason to stay here, but he said coming back wasn't an option. Suspect Dr. Jackass responsible for negative thinking. Bastard. Visiting Kelownan-- "Langaran" dignitaries bunch of jerks. Hate everything that is prepared for them but still argue over who gets larger portion. They don't deserve Jonas. Should send back Jackass instead.  
  
MENU- beef stew or fettuccini alfredo  
My Samantha has a boyfriend. How could this happen?? Just when things were going my way! Should have known something was wrong when humming started, but figured she was in a good mood because of me. Wrong. Good mood related to stupid cop. Very upset. Pete swears other Pete is not him and is not related. This one will be tricky. Might use his cop instincts against him. Samantha must be protected. Don't care about Jackass and his sleeping problems. Suspect Meg is still working off frustrations.  
  
MENU- beef kebobs or chicken pot pie  
Film crew has invaded Stargate Command. Always in the way. Very nosy. Asked how many people have died since I've been here. They can't possibly be suspicious. Can they? Rude reporter keeps asking about "special relationship" between Samantha and Colonel O'Neill. What's he trying to imply?? Don't like his attitude. May fix him a special dish. Wonder if cameras caught Dr. Jackass gluing dishes to wall in ladies' room. Sue out sick today so got stuck cleaning it up. Very humiliating. Very glad cameras didn't see that. Also didn't see Samantha helping me. Ours is only "special relationship" that matters. Stupid reporter. Sgt. Davis now feeling depressed and useless. Dr. Jackass must be stopped. Will talk to Meg.  
  
MENU- pork chops or tuna noodle casserole  
New President showed up for inspection. Almost didn't have time to hide special supplies. Secret Service agents VERY thorough. Thanks to Dr. Jackass, now know many hiding places. Who knew that would come in handy? Still hate him, but he has his moments. Was very upset at death of Dr. Fraiser. Blamed self and wandered around feeling depressed and useless. Actually made Alabaster cookies for him. Found them later floating in soup, forcing change of menu. Bastard. President complimented me on food. President also chose Senator Kinsey as running mate, so judgement is suspect. Thought I saw Lt. Rush in Kinsey's group. Maybe President not to blame after all.  
  
MENU- hot dogs or mac 'n cheese  
Earth under attack again. Looks serious this time. Colonel O'Neill downloaded alien archive into brain. Heard it will make him smarter than Samantha. Not possible. If he's so smart, why does he keep using the wrong words for things? Wish Dr. Fraiser was still alive. May have foiled my plans a few times, but just shows how good she was. Colonel O'Neill is building weapon. Think we'd be safer with Dr. Felger. Doubled dosage to combat alien archive. Know My Samantha will save the day.  
  
MENU- Chinese (egg rolls, chicken chop suey, pork fried rice)  
Meg developing new plan for Jackass. Won't tell me details, but smile is very scary. Almost fee sorry for him. Almost. Glad she's on my side.


End file.
